Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
The Backseat Boys
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.