man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
What even happened today?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there