I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Rambo Rambow
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.