Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50