Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
You Might Also Like
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles