Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!