*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.