Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.