[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*