teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.