Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
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Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Tony Hawk, age 6
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…