I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I’d use my best pan on you.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.