How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*