Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Banking tips
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.