me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
*lint rolls you awake*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
need him
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004