[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Just had my nails done!
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.