[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Punctuation Matters. Period.