[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
welp
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.