breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Flowers bee like
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies