You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Don’t make me out nice you.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
shampoo implies shampee
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.