*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
You Might Also Like
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’