Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.