I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
step 6: release the wall snake
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks