Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
You Might Also Like
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.