Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Blew out my flip flop…
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing