Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.