Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having