car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no