If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
SF is the wild wild west man
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*