ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
yeet
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.