me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
#Caturday
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.