me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]