Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I feel seen
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security