When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“you changed” bro i was 15
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
…..pretty much.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Sign at work today
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count