If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
What if the weather talks about us?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
2 years later
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.