From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.