So true for me
You Might Also Like
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I’m having an out of money experience.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.