I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Somebody’s lying.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym