Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
British websites use biscuits.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.