ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
You Might Also Like
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in