Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
yeah no that’s fair
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Generation gap…
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual