“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
getting groceries
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.