[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*