[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
You Might Also Like
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.