Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
You Might Also Like
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Theirye’re” problem solved
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*