Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?