People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.