My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story