me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.