When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any